Shaly's Musings and Mutterings

 

The learning and growing just never stops.  So many lessons I have learned from my pain.  In anger born of hurt I have made so many mistakes.  An emotion so great it overwhelmed and in my despair I listened to the poisonous whisperings of the Father of Lies.  He seeks to destroy my happiness, and to use my pain as a means to destroy another.  In recent days we have triumphed.  Not the final war, but a victory nonetheless.  A renewing of my soul and a healing of my spirit has taken place.  I turn to Torah study in my weakness and I am given new strength.  I have learned to trust as I have never trusted before, to hand over my pain and accept my weakness without fear.  Finally I begin to learn what it means to be a wife.

 

The Kybalion speaks of a simple truth, there is rythm in all things.  Those who hurt deeply are gifted with equally exquisite joy.  All is compensated.  We have spent our time in sorrow and pain, the tide turns now as it comes to an end.  So I pray and I study, and I thank the Blessed Holy One for His mercy.  For indeed He has been gracious to us.

You loved me before the scars

Will you love me after?

Eyes that danced with laughter

Now weep in sorrow

A heart bursting with joy

Now breaking from the pain

 

You know who I have been

Will you help me remember?

Strong will, never compromising

Now second guessing

Sharp mind, a search for wisdom

Now lost and afraid

 

So farI have come

Victories fought, battle scars of proof

You never left my side

Even when I ran

 

Will you hold me when I cry?

Will you help me remember?

And will you love me after the war is won? 

Wow, last few days have been a growing experience.  I might blog about them eventually.. but right now I'm going to go have fun and enjoy myself.  But I wanted to put this here.  It's the last verse of a poem I wrote some time ago.  The rest of the poem isn't so applicable today, but this last verse.. I need to remember it.

All these things I will not do
Because of the one thing which I always do
I love, not because I must
But because I am so blessed
And for that love, I will try

I forgot about this for a while.  Life got crazy and kind of pushed it out of my head.  But it really is the most inspirational piece of poetry I've ever come across.  It's something to aspire to. 

 

What strikes me this morning is that except for the one line: [Her husband] praises her: “ Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” this passage says next to nothing of the relationship between her and her husband.  Why is that noteworthy?  Because there is no reason for her not to be the virtuous wife.  Her job as a wife is not depend on any other factors, it doesn't change.  That's a lesson I would do well to learn I think.  Too often when I feel as though I've been wronged I retreat, I stop acting as I know I should, as though the things I do are some kind of "reward".  They aren't.  They aren't a bonus, something I can do when I feel like it.  The duty of a wife is the duty of a wife.  As long as she remains a wife, she needs to act like it.  This passage doesn't talk about her bad days, although I'm sure she had them... we all do.  It doesn't mention her being tired, or frusterated, or angry, even though everyone gets tired, frusterated or angry.  So this morning I pick up and try again.

 

Who can find a virtuous wife? 
For her worth is far above rubies. 
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“ Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Still can't sleep.  I can't remember the last time I had a good sleep, and I'm not talking about number of hours.  I'm talking a sleep where my body just chilled out and relaxed.  I think that's a large part of my problem.  Been kinda uptight lately.  My brain just won't turn off at night.  When I go to lay down to sleep there are so many things still going on.  Everytime I have a day and I think, finally... I got it all figured out there's nothing else to worry about, I'm wrong.  Somehow I manage to get it all messed up again before sunset.

 

Alot of what I'm dealing with right now I can't even blog about, it's that bad.  Guys at work commented on how fat I was today.  Well one of them came up out the blue giving me tips on how to loose weight.  The other one said that he liked fat girls and then asked for my number.  Self esteem booster right there ladies and gents.  But whatever, they don't even count.  My fingers believe that, now let's see if we can't convince the rest of me.

 

It's like I'm just going around and around and around and it won't stop.  I'm just hanging on for all I'm worth, praying I make it to calmer days.  They've got to be coming right?  This isn't all for nothing, I have to believe that.

 

I'm scared, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  Cuz every time I turn around I've wrecked the house of cards again.  Somewhere underneath that flimsy house is a foundation of stone... wish I could find it.

 

Feels like I'm someone else lately.  Abaris commented on it today.  I don't like the new me much.  Actually not at all, she's a bit of a screw-up.  She's trying her best though, but the old me was better.  It's just a long long road, and the woman who deserved the man she has is tired and bitchy.  I'm trying to carry my own burden, not fair to keep dumping it off all the time... that just makes things worse.  Many many days ago my card was Strength, Tet.  I was Strength, I had the ability to balance mercy and severity.  Where did that woman go?  I liked her.  I wish I knew how to get her back.  All I can do is wake up every morning, pray for Strength and try again.  I don't know what else to do, if there is a better way I pray someone shows it to me soon.

 

Time to go count ceiling tiles again.  I feel a bit better now that I got most of it out.  To anyone who reads this, thanks for your time, it's appreciated.

Shaly