Still can't sleep.  I can't remember the last time I had a good sleep, and I'm not talking about number of hours.  I'm talking a sleep where my body just chilled out and relaxed.  I think that's a large part of my problem.  Been kinda uptight lately.  My brain just won't turn off at night.  When I go to lay down to sleep there are so many things still going on.  Everytime I have a day and I think, finally... I got it all figured out there's nothing else to worry about, I'm wrong.  Somehow I manage to get it all messed up again before sunset.

 

Alot of what I'm dealing with right now I can't even blog about, it's that bad.  Guys at work commented on how fat I was today.  Well one of them came up out the blue giving me tips on how to loose weight.  The other one said that he liked fat girls and then asked for my number.  Self esteem booster right there ladies and gents.  But whatever, they don't even count.  My fingers believe that, now let's see if we can't convince the rest of me.

 

It's like I'm just going around and around and around and it won't stop.  I'm just hanging on for all I'm worth, praying I make it to calmer days.  They've got to be coming right?  This isn't all for nothing, I have to believe that.

 

I'm scared, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  Cuz every time I turn around I've wrecked the house of cards again.  Somewhere underneath that flimsy house is a foundation of stone... wish I could find it.

 

Feels like I'm someone else lately.  Abaris commented on it today.  I don't like the new me much.  Actually not at all, she's a bit of a screw-up.  She's trying her best though, but the old me was better.  It's just a long long road, and the woman who deserved the man she has is tired and bitchy.  I'm trying to carry my own burden, not fair to keep dumping it off all the time... that just makes things worse.  Many many days ago my card was Strength, Tet.  I was Strength, I had the ability to balance mercy and severity.  Where did that woman go?  I liked her.  I wish I knew how to get her back.  All I can do is wake up every morning, pray for Strength and try again.  I don't know what else to do, if there is a better way I pray someone shows it to me soon.

 

Time to go count ceiling tiles again.  I feel a bit better now that I got most of it out.  To anyone who reads this, thanks for your time, it's appreciated.

Shaly