Been an emotional few days, and me being as emotional as I am... you know it's been well... yeah.  I thought about removing the previous blog, I might still... but in a way that seems like trying to erase the past and you know, you can't do that.  The past is there.  Words that have left your lips can't ever be put back, they're out there now.  Ain't a whole lot you can do, except put one foot infront the other and move your ass. 

 

Love isn't an easy thing, and no one on this earth can understand it.  If they say they can, they lying.  How do you explain being so mad at someone you want to hit them as hard as you can, yet your dying inside missing them so much.  I've not held up my end of the bargain lately, not saying it's all my fualt, but I'm accountable for me and my actions.  As a result, it all fell down.  Now, I'm no Dr Phil fan, but he's got this one quote that I think is just... he says that relationships are not 50/50, they're 100/100 and that's so true.  You can't put half the effort in, you got to put it all or it just comes crashing around your ears.  Things got messed up, messed up bad.  Nothing, nothing in my life hurt like that did, I just laid there and cried.  Died over and over, and not cuz I was angry, because I was so sad.  I can't dwell on that anymore, it's so hard but I have to leave it in the past.  Ain't nothing gonna change what's already happened.  And now I have a choice, I can let the last few days drive me down deeper and deeper until I'm gone, or I can get up and keep moving.

 

Alot of my problem is me you know.  I let the shit that's happened to me mess me up bad.  It's funny, looking at me you wouldn't think I'm so messed up.  Work a decent job, pretty normal looking, nothing crazy you know.  Play with my daughter and try to be a good mom... but dayum.  Inside my head's a scary place.  Stuff just doesn't process like it should, but I'm working on it.  I think I'm gonna blog more, it helps.  Things just too screwed up in my brain to keep up there you know?  Putting it down helps me keep it sorted.

 

There was a post on this forum I hang out on a while back.  Asking about blessings.  What are blessings? was basically the point of the thread.  Man I thought about that one for a LOOONG time.  Really, it comes to just one thing for me.  Blessings are a state of mind.  You can look at my life, and it could make you really depressed.  Moving into government subsidized housing, going to be living by myself for the first time ever.  I work at this little restaurant with some crazy people man, and the tips are less than I could be making some place else.  My daughter takes alot of time, and I don't always have that time to give her.  Every morning I wake up missing someone, wishing he was here with his family.  He's taking care of business and I don't always make it easy on him being pretty demanding like I am.  Now that is a perfectly true description of my life.  And if that was all I thought of my life, my tears would be justified, the part of me that just wants to curl up in bed and forget it all would win every time.  And I'll be honest, sometimes it does.  I'm only human, as much as I hate it.  My study of hermetics and kabbalah is pretty new, but it's already taught me something I don't think I will ever forget.  Something I plan on teaching my children, and as many other people as I can. 

 

To change your mood or mental-state, you must first change your vibration - The Kybalion

 

Now let me tell you about my life as I see it tonite.  Adonai has provided a place for me and my daughter to live, a place I can afford, and a place I can start putting my life together, a new step towards where I should be.  My daughter is a ray of sunshine she really is.  She's got this way of just making it all better... she knows.  Thinking about it makes me want to cry.  Sometimes I think her and Abaris are in cahoots, and they prolly are.  I work with people who remind me every day how lucky I am to have the life I do.  It's enough to pay the bills, and the hours don't take everything out of me.  When it's not enough, it's ok too.  Because I have been blessed among women.  I'm lucky enough to wake up every morning with someone to miss.  I hurt all the time, and it's a good hurt.  It's the kind of hurt you can only have when someone loves you so much you can feel it everytime your heart beats.  The kind of love that would make them set their alarm for some crazy hour of the morning so they can wake up and spend time with you.  They'd re-arrange their whole life, just to make you smile.  That's the kind of love I've been blessed with.  Sometimes, sometimes I'm a dumbass and I don't see it like that.  I look at what I don't have and I get stuck there, wanting more and more.  There's nothing wrong with dreaming, for desiring blessings in your life... but you should never forget what you have.  When you do, it's gone.  So that ladies and germs, is Shaly's lesson for now.  It's not learned yet, not by a long shot I'm sure.  But it's getting there, and that's what matters.

 

I look back over the last couple years, and I see how much I've grown.  With all the issues I make Abaris deal with you wouldn't think that was the case.  I mean... the idea that not too long ago I was even more screwed up than I am now is a bit scary.  But it's truth.  The aspects of my life that used to run away with me are moving under control.  I'm taking up dominion over my life and making it happen.  I don't wish for something... I stand on it.  My temper, oh boy it was legendary.  Still is, and maybe it's hard to see from the outside, but I know it's different.  I don't react blindly anymore, letting the anger control me.  Life's a journey, not a destination.  I look and I see what I'm supposed to be learning, and I pray every morning for the strength to understand the lesson.

 

Abaris, I don't know if you read my blog at all.  I don't know if anyone does, I don't write it for anyone else.  Just me.  But if you read this my love, my thoughts are with you.  I love you, and I am doing the best I can to be the best you deserve.

Helios Mene Kyrie,

Shalymar

 

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

If at first you don't succeed

... destroy all the evidence

... you must be a programmer

... skydiving is definately not for you

... give up

... then you failed

... it must still have bugs in it

... find out if the loser gets anything

... failure may be your style

... congratulations, you're average

... and if at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

 

Lol.  Seriously though... the answer is try, try, try again.  As many times as it takes really.  If you think something's worth it, you keep at it.  Especially with "life lessons", you know those situations that just keep coming up?  And every time they do you can't deal with it right?  So they come back, over and over and over, until you get it right.  You could give up, stop putting yourself in that situation and then you don't have to deal with the feeling like it didn't work out.  But really... if you want something, who cares if you have to try more than once?

 

I'm not saying it's easy.  Failing at something sucks, failing at life lessons, well that hurts alot.  Especially if the hurt is the lesson.  I know, cryptic, but that's that.  But there are lessons be learned, character to be established, and all that good fun stuff.  In the mean time remember...

 

If at first... :)

I will not mourn the living

And I will not miss one who is here

I grieve not for a presence

For a feeling which I already possess

 

I will not wear widow's black

And I will not cry with the pain of loss

I grieve not for the physical

For something which is only a part

 

I will not dismiss the present

And I will not wish away this moment

I grieve not for a day that is not today

For something which will be mine

 

All these things I will not do

Because of the one thing which I always do

I love, not because I must

But because I am so blessed

And for that love, I will try

I have a daughter, she's two and she is really amazing.  Gifted in so many ways she never stops shocking me, and I'm pretty shock proof because I believe in the impossible.  But today... she does it again.

 

You'll gather from my last blog that the man I love isn't here with me right now.  He live a long ways away and I miss him alot, and it's really hard.  Anyways, I'm really missing him and I wanted to talk to him this afternoon.  Was sitting here waiting on him to get back online and my daughter was laying in my bed.  She looks at me and says "Mama sad," and I told her that yes I was.  (I will always be honest with my daughter, especially if she senses something right on.)  I told her that I wanted to talk to Neo (a pet name we have for Abaris).  She goes over, gets her little pink Barbie cell phone and proceeds to dial.  She says "Hi Neo. Mama need talk Neo.  Come visit please ok"  And she looks at me like it's all ok now.

 

In her little mind its so simple.  I miss him and I want to talk to him, so why doesn't he just put on his shoes, get in his car and come visit?  Every second I wish it was as simple as that.  When I breathe and he's not here it hurts.  Our lives are so complicated, there's a million things floating around that need to be dealt with.  In a child's mind life is so uncomplex.  But I don't have a child's mind.

 

There's never enough time, atleast it doesn't feel like it right now.  We spend alot of time talking, and the instant we're not talking... I feel so alone and empty.  I'm not either of those things... but the space hurts.  He said something this morning that was so obvious and so profound... "I have come to realize that until im there you wont stop crying. that until that day things will make you cry. It tears me up inside to know u are mourning me and im right here."  It's true, I mourn someone who is always with me.  He asked me not to cry today, and I'm really really trying not to.  I just wish it was all as simple as it seems to a child's mind.

 

My daughter is the "repairer of the breach" and there's so many layers to that.  She's sitting on my bed with her cell phone right now, chatting away to Abaris.  And you know what?  I bet he hears her.

Alot of people say I have a way with words... and on occasion I do claim to be a writer.  Hehe.  But sometimes... sometimes, I just can't find the words that I want.  It's like I don't even know exactly what it is I'm trying to say.  And then... something comes along that is just the perfect expression of inside ya know?  Driving to work today I came across one of those things.  It made me cry, and I'm sitting here reading the lyrics and I'm still crying.  I changed it just slightly to better fit me.  (IE: guy to girl lol)

We're just two people
Riding in circle
That's spinning around
Just everyday people
Searching for something
We've already found

And I'm just a girl
Who's in love with a guy
Not in front of me
Now you're so far away
And I need you right here in my arms

Baby just run
Take a bus,Take a plane
Take a train
Baby just run
Run as fast as you can
Love, you'll find your way back
'Cause no matter wherever you are
There's no place on this earth thats to far,
Run

We're just two people
Wishing that we were together tonight
Just everyday people
Trying to make sense of this puzzle called life

And I'm just a girl
Who's in love with a guy
Not in front of me
Now you're so far away
And I need you right here in my arms

So baby just run
Take a bus,Take a plane
Take a train
Baby just run
Run as fast as you can
Love, you'll find your way back
'Cause no matter wherever you are
There's no place on this earth thats to far,
Run

Sooner or later it's over
Passing you by and it's gone
There's not enough time left to wonder
If your where you belong

Take a bus,Take a plane,Take a train
So baby just run
Take a bus,Take a plane,Take a train

Baby just run
Run as fast as you can
Love, you'll find your way back
'Cause no matter wherever you are
There's no place on this earth thats to far,
Run

So that's it... /cry