You loved me before the scars

Will you love me after?

Eyes that danced with laughter

Now weep in sorrow

A heart bursting with joy

Now breaking from the pain

 

You know who I have been

Will you help me remember?

Strong will, never compromising

Now second guessing

Sharp mind, a search for wisdom

Now lost and afraid

 

So farI have come

Victories fought, battle scars of proof

You never left my side

Even when I ran

 

Will you hold me when I cry?

Will you help me remember?

And will you love me after the war is won? 

Wow, last few days have been a growing experience.  I might blog about them eventually.. but right now I'm going to go have fun and enjoy myself.  But I wanted to put this here.  It's the last verse of a poem I wrote some time ago.  The rest of the poem isn't so applicable today, but this last verse.. I need to remember it.

All these things I will not do
Because of the one thing which I always do
I love, not because I must
But because I am so blessed
And for that love, I will try

I will not mourn the living

And I will not miss one who is here

I grieve not for a presence

For a feeling which I already possess

 

I will not wear widow's black

And I will not cry with the pain of loss

I grieve not for the physical

For something which is only a part

 

I will not dismiss the present

And I will not wish away this moment

I grieve not for a day that is not today

For something which will be mine

 

All these things I will not do

Because of the one thing which I always do

I love, not because I must

But because I am so blessed

And for that love, I will try

I have a daughter, she's two and she is really amazing.  Gifted in so many ways she never stops shocking me, and I'm pretty shock proof because I believe in the impossible.  But today... she does it again.

 

You'll gather from my last blog that the man I love isn't here with me right now.  He live a long ways away and I miss him alot, and it's really hard.  Anyways, I'm really missing him and I wanted to talk to him this afternoon.  Was sitting here waiting on him to get back online and my daughter was laying in my bed.  She looks at me and says "Mama sad," and I told her that yes I was.  (I will always be honest with my daughter, especially if she senses something right on.)  I told her that I wanted to talk to Neo (a pet name we have for Abaris).  She goes over, gets her little pink Barbie cell phone and proceeds to dial.  She says "Hi Neo. Mama need talk Neo.  Come visit please ok"  And she looks at me like it's all ok now.

 

In her little mind its so simple.  I miss him and I want to talk to him, so why doesn't he just put on his shoes, get in his car and come visit?  Every second I wish it was as simple as that.  When I breathe and he's not here it hurts.  Our lives are so complicated, there's a million things floating around that need to be dealt with.  In a child's mind life is so uncomplex.  But I don't have a child's mind.

 

There's never enough time, atleast it doesn't feel like it right now.  We spend alot of time talking, and the instant we're not talking... I feel so alone and empty.  I'm not either of those things... but the space hurts.  He said something this morning that was so obvious and so profound... "I have come to realize that until im there you wont stop crying. that until that day things will make you cry. It tears me up inside to know u are mourning me and im right here."  It's true, I mourn someone who is always with me.  He asked me not to cry today, and I'm really really trying not to.  I just wish it was all as simple as it seems to a child's mind.

 

My daughter is the "repairer of the breach" and there's so many layers to that.  She's sitting on my bed with her cell phone right now, chatting away to Abaris.  And you know what?  I bet he hears her.