Wow, last few days have been a growing experience.  I might blog about them eventually.. but right now I'm going to go have fun and enjoy myself.  But I wanted to put this here.  It's the last verse of a poem I wrote some time ago.  The rest of the poem isn't so applicable today, but this last verse.. I need to remember it.

All these things I will not do
Because of the one thing which I always do
I love, not because I must
But because I am so blessed
And for that love, I will try

I forgot about this for a while.  Life got crazy and kind of pushed it out of my head.  But it really is the most inspirational piece of poetry I've ever come across.  It's something to aspire to. 

 

What strikes me this morning is that except for the one line: [Her husband] praises her: “ Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all.” this passage says next to nothing of the relationship between her and her husband.  Why is that noteworthy?  Because there is no reason for her not to be the virtuous wife.  Her job as a wife is not depend on any other factors, it doesn't change.  That's a lesson I would do well to learn I think.  Too often when I feel as though I've been wronged I retreat, I stop acting as I know I should, as though the things I do are some kind of "reward".  They aren't.  They aren't a bonus, something I can do when I feel like it.  The duty of a wife is the duty of a wife.  As long as she remains a wife, she needs to act like it.  This passage doesn't talk about her bad days, although I'm sure she had them... we all do.  It doesn't mention her being tired, or frusterated, or angry, even though everyone gets tired, frusterated or angry.  So this morning I pick up and try again.

 

Who can find a virtuous wife? 
For her worth is far above rubies. 
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“ Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

Still can't sleep.  I can't remember the last time I had a good sleep, and I'm not talking about number of hours.  I'm talking a sleep where my body just chilled out and relaxed.  I think that's a large part of my problem.  Been kinda uptight lately.  My brain just won't turn off at night.  When I go to lay down to sleep there are so many things still going on.  Everytime I have a day and I think, finally... I got it all figured out there's nothing else to worry about, I'm wrong.  Somehow I manage to get it all messed up again before sunset.

 

Alot of what I'm dealing with right now I can't even blog about, it's that bad.  Guys at work commented on how fat I was today.  Well one of them came up out the blue giving me tips on how to loose weight.  The other one said that he liked fat girls and then asked for my number.  Self esteem booster right there ladies and gents.  But whatever, they don't even count.  My fingers believe that, now let's see if we can't convince the rest of me.

 

It's like I'm just going around and around and around and it won't stop.  I'm just hanging on for all I'm worth, praying I make it to calmer days.  They've got to be coming right?  This isn't all for nothing, I have to believe that.

 

I'm scared, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  Cuz every time I turn around I've wrecked the house of cards again.  Somewhere underneath that flimsy house is a foundation of stone... wish I could find it.

 

Feels like I'm someone else lately.  Abaris commented on it today.  I don't like the new me much.  Actually not at all, she's a bit of a screw-up.  She's trying her best though, but the old me was better.  It's just a long long road, and the woman who deserved the man she has is tired and bitchy.  I'm trying to carry my own burden, not fair to keep dumping it off all the time... that just makes things worse.  Many many days ago my card was Strength, Tet.  I was Strength, I had the ability to balance mercy and severity.  Where did that woman go?  I liked her.  I wish I knew how to get her back.  All I can do is wake up every morning, pray for Strength and try again.  I don't know what else to do, if there is a better way I pray someone shows it to me soon.

 

Time to go count ceiling tiles again.  I feel a bit better now that I got most of it out.  To anyone who reads this, thanks for your time, it's appreciated.

Shaly

Been an emotional few days, and me being as emotional as I am... you know it's been well... yeah.  I thought about removing the previous blog, I might still... but in a way that seems like trying to erase the past and you know, you can't do that.  The past is there.  Words that have left your lips can't ever be put back, they're out there now.  Ain't a whole lot you can do, except put one foot infront the other and move your ass. 

 

Love isn't an easy thing, and no one on this earth can understand it.  If they say they can, they lying.  How do you explain being so mad at someone you want to hit them as hard as you can, yet your dying inside missing them so much.  I've not held up my end of the bargain lately, not saying it's all my fualt, but I'm accountable for me and my actions.  As a result, it all fell down.  Now, I'm no Dr Phil fan, but he's got this one quote that I think is just... he says that relationships are not 50/50, they're 100/100 and that's so true.  You can't put half the effort in, you got to put it all or it just comes crashing around your ears.  Things got messed up, messed up bad.  Nothing, nothing in my life hurt like that did, I just laid there and cried.  Died over and over, and not cuz I was angry, because I was so sad.  I can't dwell on that anymore, it's so hard but I have to leave it in the past.  Ain't nothing gonna change what's already happened.  And now I have a choice, I can let the last few days drive me down deeper and deeper until I'm gone, or I can get up and keep moving.

 

Alot of my problem is me you know.  I let the shit that's happened to me mess me up bad.  It's funny, looking at me you wouldn't think I'm so messed up.  Work a decent job, pretty normal looking, nothing crazy you know.  Play with my daughter and try to be a good mom... but dayum.  Inside my head's a scary place.  Stuff just doesn't process like it should, but I'm working on it.  I think I'm gonna blog more, it helps.  Things just too screwed up in my brain to keep up there you know?  Putting it down helps me keep it sorted.

 

There was a post on this forum I hang out on a while back.  Asking about blessings.  What are blessings? was basically the point of the thread.  Man I thought about that one for a LOOONG time.  Really, it comes to just one thing for me.  Blessings are a state of mind.  You can look at my life, and it could make you really depressed.  Moving into government subsidized housing, going to be living by myself for the first time ever.  I work at this little restaurant with some crazy people man, and the tips are less than I could be making some place else.  My daughter takes alot of time, and I don't always have that time to give her.  Every morning I wake up missing someone, wishing he was here with his family.  He's taking care of business and I don't always make it easy on him being pretty demanding like I am.  Now that is a perfectly true description of my life.  And if that was all I thought of my life, my tears would be justified, the part of me that just wants to curl up in bed and forget it all would win every time.  And I'll be honest, sometimes it does.  I'm only human, as much as I hate it.  My study of hermetics and kabbalah is pretty new, but it's already taught me something I don't think I will ever forget.  Something I plan on teaching my children, and as many other people as I can. 

 

To change your mood or mental-state, you must first change your vibration - The Kybalion

 

Now let me tell you about my life as I see it tonite.  Adonai has provided a place for me and my daughter to live, a place I can afford, and a place I can start putting my life together, a new step towards where I should be.  My daughter is a ray of sunshine she really is.  She's got this way of just making it all better... she knows.  Thinking about it makes me want to cry.  Sometimes I think her and Abaris are in cahoots, and they prolly are.  I work with people who remind me every day how lucky I am to have the life I do.  It's enough to pay the bills, and the hours don't take everything out of me.  When it's not enough, it's ok too.  Because I have been blessed among women.  I'm lucky enough to wake up every morning with someone to miss.  I hurt all the time, and it's a good hurt.  It's the kind of hurt you can only have when someone loves you so much you can feel it everytime your heart beats.  The kind of love that would make them set their alarm for some crazy hour of the morning so they can wake up and spend time with you.  They'd re-arrange their whole life, just to make you smile.  That's the kind of love I've been blessed with.  Sometimes, sometimes I'm a dumbass and I don't see it like that.  I look at what I don't have and I get stuck there, wanting more and more.  There's nothing wrong with dreaming, for desiring blessings in your life... but you should never forget what you have.  When you do, it's gone.  So that ladies and germs, is Shaly's lesson for now.  It's not learned yet, not by a long shot I'm sure.  But it's getting there, and that's what matters.

 

I look back over the last couple years, and I see how much I've grown.  With all the issues I make Abaris deal with you wouldn't think that was the case.  I mean... the idea that not too long ago I was even more screwed up than I am now is a bit scary.  But it's truth.  The aspects of my life that used to run away with me are moving under control.  I'm taking up dominion over my life and making it happen.  I don't wish for something... I stand on it.  My temper, oh boy it was legendary.  Still is, and maybe it's hard to see from the outside, but I know it's different.  I don't react blindly anymore, letting the anger control me.  Life's a journey, not a destination.  I look and I see what I'm supposed to be learning, and I pray every morning for the strength to understand the lesson.

 

Abaris, I don't know if you read my blog at all.  I don't know if anyone does, I don't write it for anyone else.  Just me.  But if you read this my love, my thoughts are with you.  I love you, and I am doing the best I can to be the best you deserve.

Helios Mene Kyrie,

Shalymar

 

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah Yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

If at first you don't succeed

... destroy all the evidence

... you must be a programmer

... skydiving is definately not for you

... give up

... then you failed

... it must still have bugs in it

... find out if the loser gets anything

... failure may be your style

... congratulations, you're average

... and if at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

 

Lol.  Seriously though... the answer is try, try, try again.  As many times as it takes really.  If you think something's worth it, you keep at it.  Especially with "life lessons", you know those situations that just keep coming up?  And every time they do you can't deal with it right?  So they come back, over and over and over, until you get it right.  You could give up, stop putting yourself in that situation and then you don't have to deal with the feeling like it didn't work out.  But really... if you want something, who cares if you have to try more than once?

 

I'm not saying it's easy.  Failing at something sucks, failing at life lessons, well that hurts alot.  Especially if the hurt is the lesson.  I know, cryptic, but that's that.  But there are lessons be learned, character to be established, and all that good fun stuff.  In the mean time remember...

 

If at first... :)

I will not mourn the living

And I will not miss one who is here

I grieve not for a presence

For a feeling which I already possess

 

I will not wear widow's black

And I will not cry with the pain of loss

I grieve not for the physical

For something which is only a part

 

I will not dismiss the present

And I will not wish away this moment

I grieve not for a day that is not today

For something which will be mine

 

All these things I will not do

Because of the one thing which I always do

I love, not because I must

But because I am so blessed

And for that love, I will try